Poem: She's More

She's more than meets the eye

She's more than your preconceived notions

She’s more than the one awake at night

                watching over her child(ren)

                                She worked so hard to have

                or staring out the window

                                Wondering when she’ll be next

She’s more than the one declining invitations

                to the baby showers

                                to avoid the painful reminders

She’s more than the one always on the sidelines

                watching others catch her dreams

She’s more than the one trying so hard to be whole on the outside

while she’s cracking from within

She’s more than the one who wants to scream from the rooftops

and tell the world her story

but instead, she sobs

into her husband’s chest

while he’s hurting too, and doesn’t weep with her

because “big boys don’t cry”

She’s more than the one who feels punched in the heart

                every time there’s a pregnancy announcement

She’s more than the one who crumbles

                every time the pregnancy test is negative

                and her feed is full of positives

She’s more than the one who’s constantly wondering if she’s worthy

of the love society says she should have

the love of parents (a status she wants so badly to have)

of partners (who leave because she can’t make them parents)

of children she doesn’t even know if she wants

and if that decision is because of infertility, or not

She’s more than the one waking up at 2am

from the nightmare that her surrogate would change her mind

the one staying up late rereading tips

                                on how to get pregnant for the 1767^th time

or trying to figure out ways to pay

                                for the treatments, adoption fees, surrogacy

                wishing people wouldn’t be so hurtful

She’s more than the one crying (again)

                that her surrogate did change her mind

or that yet another embryo transfer didn’t take

or that her husband left her because he couldn’t handle it anymore

and(or) he found someone to finally make him a father

She’s more than the one putting on a brave face

                in public

                in the face of the news that it’s actually her husband who is infertile

She’s more than the one wondering

                why her body is unable to do the one miraculous thing it’s built to do

                                carry a child – make another human

                when people will stop invading her privacy

                                with silly questions

                “are you pregnant yet?”

                                Are you smart yet?

                “when are you having kids?”

please drop the “when”

                “when are you starting a family?”

Um, my partner and I are already a family…

“you’re not a real family until you have kids”

                See above answer.

“what do you mean you’re not? (pregnant, having kids)

                Uh, “no” is an option…

                “it’s your responsibility to raise the next generation!”

                                Really? Says who?

                “what’s taking you so long?”

                                Oh, so many things…

                “trying to get pregnant is the fun part!”

                                Obviously you’ve never really tried to pregnant

                                Or have a functioning uterus

She’s more than the one who’s lost friendships

                because they simply don’t understand

                yet she’s been welcomed into a sisterhood of those who do

She's more than all of the bad days.
She's more than the battles, the fights, the tears, the pain.
She's more than the distance between her and her partner.
She's more than the obstacles.
She's more than the decision to pursue motherhood.
She's more than the decision to not pursue motherhood.

She’s more than the negative:

She's the one who still hopes

                amidst the questions, the doctor’s visits, the endless tests,

                the pain, fear, and broken dreams

                the weight gain, needles, and heartbreak

She’s the one building others up

                because she knows what it’s like to be down

She’s the one breaking glass ceilings

                and floors

                and walls

                breaking the silence to show that there’s no shame in this struggle

and somehow manages to lead by example…

She’s the one who practices

                self-care and self-love

                to maintain her own mental sanity

She’s the one who has the strength to say no
because she knows when

she needs to say yes to herself

yes to her family

She’s the one who politely exits a conversation

                about periods, pregnancy, families

so others can save face

she doesn’t need to be rude
they don't know

She’s the one who loves with all her heart

even when she’s not feeling so loved herself

She’s the one who learns to own her truth

and discovers her worth,

stands up for what

and who she believes in

She’s the one who uses her pain to her advantage

to treat others with compassion

because she knows that behind that smiling face

are years of heartbreak

and some of the strongest people

She may have crashed and burned

                and then rose from the ashes

                a member of a club no one ever wanted to join

                yet proud to represent the strength and love

                of an infertility warrior